or in this case, a month

lots has happened in the first 31 days of the new year.

i was preggers 
(que smiles, excitement and 
a sharp uptick in semi obsessive what's happening today baby websites )

i was not preggers 
(que depressing music, ER visits, cookies and lots and lots of tv)

my evil co-worker quit 
(que applause, high fives and non toxic work environment)

i am now doing the work of three people 
(que days spent eating lunch at my desk or not eating at all)

i was still preggers but not really preggers 
(que the confusion, que the methotrexate...que the emotions and the cramps and the mouth sores
....que feeling like a failure and feeling this whole preggers process has just really really sucked)

i found out that in the next three months i am going to 
florida, south africa (yeah, you read that right), chicago, riviera maya, 
puerta vallarta and montreal 
(que bikinis, planes, malaria shots and safaris,
exotic foods and even more exotic animals
and places and things i probably couldn't have done had i been preggers
que the start of a smile)

bad things happen....
and when they do
people feed us that cough, cough bullshit line that la-la-la
everything happens for a reason 
and then perhaps something actually happens...
and no matter what it is we go all reflective, quasi contemplative. 
we pump it up, we throw glitter on it, 
we talk about it and we dramatize it until it has become
..... that reason. 
and just like that,
 ah ha!...our failure, our loss, our hurt is vindicated!!

but somewhere deep inside...
we know that's really bullshit too.  
we really just wanted the other thing, the thing that didn't happen.  
the thing that didn't work out ...

but when faced with the alternative
what can ya do but throw on your travelin shoes
and say...

it all happens for a reason

xoxo - m


katie said...

oh love.
i'm so sorry.
so, so, so sorry.
sending you a giant kiss and hug.

Princess and the Peace said...

so beautifully said.
a friend of mine always signs his emails, "onward",
which sounds like exactly where you are headed...
in your (no doubt stylish) traveling shoes.
i hope your heart is mending.